Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dear God, Why Me?

Life has been pretty hard these past few years and even though I've heard it many times, "you're not alone" just isn't all that comforting when you're as angry as I have been. I was juggling emotions dealing with an infidelity, economic struggles as my husband and I simultaneously pursued a higher education, and 2 beautiful children whom I felt I was surely failing. I struggled with having bigger dreams than I had ever imagined before, a guilt for having become so selfish, a friend that had come to mean so much more and whom I was certain felt the same even if he denied it, a hunger for another child that has continued to scream so violently at me as if it knows the clock is ticking. My life didn't seem, was my life at all. This isnt how I planned it. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

Dear God, Why Me? What did I do to deserve this heartache? What did I do that was so bad that I must struggle with this dilema of the heart? Why Now? Why couldnt he love me then? Why can't he love me? Why does happiness evade me just as I begin to smell it?

So many unanswered questions, that I 'm certain will be answered when it becomes less important to know and understand, when I can look back and see that the things that happened were a blessing in disguise, when I can easily say, I wouldnt trade it for the world! Even though knowing that doesn't necessarily console me, I'm confident that some day it will.

This morning I woke up in so much pain, I could barely move, it was to be expected and I asked my other half to help me out with the kids, which proved to be the worst idea I ever had. I wobbled around as I struggled with the limitations of this pain, that I knew would pass as soon as I slept it off a little more. I had a busy day planned and would not let a little pain get in my way. After a little nap, I showered and made my way out the door in as much pain as earlier in the morning, but I wasn't about to give in. Well the pain went away eventually and my agenda was right on target, until the "I"m sorry, there's been a mistake" ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? I wanted to scream, but I didn't, instead, I agreed to follow up later on this week and walked out the door.

The breath of fresh air was soothing and comforting so I walked slowly to my truck I made a call that further assured me of where things are headed. I just cannot refuse to see the signs anymore. I sat in my truck for a few minutes before revving up the engine, I felt so overwhelmed, I was certain I would cry, but I didn't, I couldn't. I was relieved that I brushed off the whole thing and just let it go, it will fix itself if it was meant to I thought. I've done what I could and should and now its out of my hands. I leave my life, my heart, my future, my soul, my everything in your hands, Dear God, for I cannot cry anymore, I cannot fight for something I'm sure isn't there anymore, I cannot let an opportunity pass me by for fear, I cannot continue to be miserable when the only thing I want is to be happy, to love and be loved. So I will leave what I have no control over in your hands, but if there's anything I can do to help, rest assured that I will, for it is my happiness, my life.

Who AM I?

I just became a member on this cool little forum with lots of discussion on many topics. As part of the registration, I was encouraged to introduce myself to the entire community. They have a special spot for introductions called "Who Am I". For days I'd go and start a new thread with my name and nothing would come to mind to define myself. I began to read some of the other posts and was not relating to anyone. I decided then, that I had reached a soul-searching moment! Who Am I? I was determined to find out.

This is what I posted as an introduction to ME.

Now to tackle the BIG question, Who AM I? Seems simple enough to answer, but I'm having the hardest time defining myself. Perhaps its because I'm pretty certain I am at a crossroad, a crossroad with so many limiting roads, and only one with the liberty and peace I seek. It doesn't seem fair that the choice be so obvious, for I am never so lucky, or AM I?

I have been struggling continously with this "who I am" question for some time now. There was a time when I was content with defining myself by my many roles, my duties, however that time has come and passed. One thing is for certain, I am a very passionate person, I will do whatever feels right as opposed to what is customary and I will not make excuses for those actions. I love with all I have, and I can and have hated with as much vigor. Until recently, I've come to realize, that hate is not the opposite of love, for hate is still an emotionally based attribute. Indifference, however, is the opposite of love, it is there where it matters no more. Until you feel indifference, one never fears it, but once you do, it is both the scariest and most liberating growth a person can experience. I think there is initially a sense of guilt associated with the acknowledgement of indifference that can be quite disturbing but it fades and therein lies a peace.

I have always been a very impatient and stubborn person, but life is constantly teaching me that impatience will not yield me anything any faster than at the rate at which I'm supposed to get it. Being stubborn, has proven to be both a curse and a blessing, guess I still need to work on learning which struggles really are worth fighting for. I am opinionated. I think the world has too many double standards and find both meaning and pleasure in quashing them. My parents always told me to think for myself and speak for myself so when I have something to say it, I usually do. I have been told many times that I am somewhat crazy, and sometimes I wonder, but I always come to the same conclusion and that is that I'm so comfortable with my own sanity/insanity, or lack thereof, that it makes some people uncomfortable and I'm okay with that.

Some of the things I enjoy are music, dancing, talking, writing, words, friends, laughing, controversial discussions, philosophy, religion, theology, anthropology, helping others, photography, law and justice, and learning.

I think a person should never settle for the cards that he/she has been dealt. I think they should always want more, strive to be more and give more. Most people don't have a problem with wanting more material stuff, or at least I didnt. But let me tell you, after you lose something so great that you can never get back, you understand that the more material an object is, the less important it actually is, comparitively speaking. Some of these irreplaceable things are trust, love, friendship and honesty. I think those are the most remarkable things in life that you can give anyone or get from anyone and I think you cant have one without the other. Its almost like the 4 walls of a house, if one side comes tumbling down, more than likely, the other 3 will ensue.

There are some aspects of human nature that I do not stomach well and those include but are not limited to: liars, back stabbers, puppet masters, injustice, practical jokes and outright cruel people. I try not to be judgemental, but sometimes that is hard to do and so I do try to understand a person and their actions first. I understand that I am, who I am, because of the combination of my personality and all of my experiences, good, bad and even those that I may not conciously remember Therefore I know that each person is who they are for the same exact reasons.

My struggle with a recent heartache, or not so recent actually, has taught me that life is too short. I have always been resistant to change and even though I was miserable I refused to admit the one truth that would liberate my soul. I tried so hard to convince myself that love, life, marriage, and happiness, all these things we all seek to take a tight grasp on were overrated. But in fact, as it was evident in my misery, I proved to myself, how imporant those things really are to me. It was in that one single truth that my peace lay. It was there that I found solace in knowing that no matter how wrong or right, it is perfect for me, right now. So I will throw in the towel in this battle I have been struggling with and instead pursue my own happiness, where ever it may take me.