Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Who AM I?

I just became a member on this cool little forum with lots of discussion on many topics. As part of the registration, I was encouraged to introduce myself to the entire community. They have a special spot for introductions called "Who Am I". For days I'd go and start a new thread with my name and nothing would come to mind to define myself. I began to read some of the other posts and was not relating to anyone. I decided then, that I had reached a soul-searching moment! Who Am I? I was determined to find out.

This is what I posted as an introduction to ME.

Now to tackle the BIG question, Who AM I? Seems simple enough to answer, but I'm having the hardest time defining myself. Perhaps its because I'm pretty certain I am at a crossroad, a crossroad with so many limiting roads, and only one with the liberty and peace I seek. It doesn't seem fair that the choice be so obvious, for I am never so lucky, or AM I?

I have been struggling continously with this "who I am" question for some time now. There was a time when I was content with defining myself by my many roles, my duties, however that time has come and passed. One thing is for certain, I am a very passionate person, I will do whatever feels right as opposed to what is customary and I will not make excuses for those actions. I love with all I have, and I can and have hated with as much vigor. Until recently, I've come to realize, that hate is not the opposite of love, for hate is still an emotionally based attribute. Indifference, however, is the opposite of love, it is there where it matters no more. Until you feel indifference, one never fears it, but once you do, it is both the scariest and most liberating growth a person can experience. I think there is initially a sense of guilt associated with the acknowledgement of indifference that can be quite disturbing but it fades and therein lies a peace.

I have always been a very impatient and stubborn person, but life is constantly teaching me that impatience will not yield me anything any faster than at the rate at which I'm supposed to get it. Being stubborn, has proven to be both a curse and a blessing, guess I still need to work on learning which struggles really are worth fighting for. I am opinionated. I think the world has too many double standards and find both meaning and pleasure in quashing them. My parents always told me to think for myself and speak for myself so when I have something to say it, I usually do. I have been told many times that I am somewhat crazy, and sometimes I wonder, but I always come to the same conclusion and that is that I'm so comfortable with my own sanity/insanity, or lack thereof, that it makes some people uncomfortable and I'm okay with that.

Some of the things I enjoy are music, dancing, talking, writing, words, friends, laughing, controversial discussions, philosophy, religion, theology, anthropology, helping others, photography, law and justice, and learning.

I think a person should never settle for the cards that he/she has been dealt. I think they should always want more, strive to be more and give more. Most people don't have a problem with wanting more material stuff, or at least I didnt. But let me tell you, after you lose something so great that you can never get back, you understand that the more material an object is, the less important it actually is, comparitively speaking. Some of these irreplaceable things are trust, love, friendship and honesty. I think those are the most remarkable things in life that you can give anyone or get from anyone and I think you cant have one without the other. Its almost like the 4 walls of a house, if one side comes tumbling down, more than likely, the other 3 will ensue.

There are some aspects of human nature that I do not stomach well and those include but are not limited to: liars, back stabbers, puppet masters, injustice, practical jokes and outright cruel people. I try not to be judgemental, but sometimes that is hard to do and so I do try to understand a person and their actions first. I understand that I am, who I am, because of the combination of my personality and all of my experiences, good, bad and even those that I may not conciously remember Therefore I know that each person is who they are for the same exact reasons.

My struggle with a recent heartache, or not so recent actually, has taught me that life is too short. I have always been resistant to change and even though I was miserable I refused to admit the one truth that would liberate my soul. I tried so hard to convince myself that love, life, marriage, and happiness, all these things we all seek to take a tight grasp on were overrated. But in fact, as it was evident in my misery, I proved to myself, how imporant those things really are to me. It was in that one single truth that my peace lay. It was there that I found solace in knowing that no matter how wrong or right, it is perfect for me, right now. So I will throw in the towel in this battle I have been struggling with and instead pursue my own happiness, where ever it may take me.

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