Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dear God, Why Me?

Life has been pretty hard these past few years and even though I've heard it many times, "you're not alone" just isn't all that comforting when you're as angry as I have been. I was juggling emotions dealing with an infidelity, economic struggles as my husband and I simultaneously pursued a higher education, and 2 beautiful children whom I felt I was surely failing. I struggled with having bigger dreams than I had ever imagined before, a guilt for having become so selfish, a friend that had come to mean so much more and whom I was certain felt the same even if he denied it, a hunger for another child that has continued to scream so violently at me as if it knows the clock is ticking. My life didn't seem, was my life at all. This isnt how I planned it. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

Dear God, Why Me? What did I do to deserve this heartache? What did I do that was so bad that I must struggle with this dilema of the heart? Why Now? Why couldnt he love me then? Why can't he love me? Why does happiness evade me just as I begin to smell it?

So many unanswered questions, that I 'm certain will be answered when it becomes less important to know and understand, when I can look back and see that the things that happened were a blessing in disguise, when I can easily say, I wouldnt trade it for the world! Even though knowing that doesn't necessarily console me, I'm confident that some day it will.

This morning I woke up in so much pain, I could barely move, it was to be expected and I asked my other half to help me out with the kids, which proved to be the worst idea I ever had. I wobbled around as I struggled with the limitations of this pain, that I knew would pass as soon as I slept it off a little more. I had a busy day planned and would not let a little pain get in my way. After a little nap, I showered and made my way out the door in as much pain as earlier in the morning, but I wasn't about to give in. Well the pain went away eventually and my agenda was right on target, until the "I"m sorry, there's been a mistake" ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? I wanted to scream, but I didn't, instead, I agreed to follow up later on this week and walked out the door.

The breath of fresh air was soothing and comforting so I walked slowly to my truck I made a call that further assured me of where things are headed. I just cannot refuse to see the signs anymore. I sat in my truck for a few minutes before revving up the engine, I felt so overwhelmed, I was certain I would cry, but I didn't, I couldn't. I was relieved that I brushed off the whole thing and just let it go, it will fix itself if it was meant to I thought. I've done what I could and should and now its out of my hands. I leave my life, my heart, my future, my soul, my everything in your hands, Dear God, for I cannot cry anymore, I cannot fight for something I'm sure isn't there anymore, I cannot let an opportunity pass me by for fear, I cannot continue to be miserable when the only thing I want is to be happy, to love and be loved. So I will leave what I have no control over in your hands, but if there's anything I can do to help, rest assured that I will, for it is my happiness, my life.

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